Saturday, February 20, 2010
I think I hurt my hip while wrestling!
Hurting, confused, frustrated, discouraged, all might be words to describe me today. I've been thrashing about trying to find that one thing that seems to be right. That place that I can go and just know with perfect peace that I'm in the right spot. I know people who have that place, allegedly anyway. I don't. I don't know what it would look like if I did and frankly I just might hate it once I found it. Maybe in some sadistic way I enjoy this feeling. Every time I think I might have found it, it gets yanked out from under me. I just know I hate the way life looks right now. Not everything in life. I have plenty about my life that I enjoy and that I'm thankful for. I wish I had some profound way to tie all this together but I don't. This just means that as much as I hate leaving things unresolved, that feeling is the truth right now and anything else would be a lie.
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3 comments:
i have wondered if that feeling of not knowing is the only place to "rest." it doesn't feel like rest at first, but i think the angst of that place may come from being raised to believe that truth was a dogmatic right answer. we feel like we're wrong when we can't find that answer and we feel frustrated when we think we've found it and it turns out we haven't. it feels wrong not because we're wrong but because we have been taught that the only place to rest is in the answer. having the right answer necessarily creates battle lines and makes love more difficult. i wonder if knowing that that we don't have that answer may well be the truth that sets us free. it requires that we rest in his goodness rather than in an answer. does that make a bit of sense? these things make me crazy some times.
I think you are right Carla. The thing that makes it even more frustrating is that I pretty much get it in an intellectual sense. It just doesn't matter what I know intellectually when I'm standing in the middle of it. I haven't thought of it as resting in uncertainty though and I think that's a really good way of looking at it. I have to say that hearing your take on having the right answer creating battle lines and making love more difficult is great. I certainly can relate as I'm sure you can too. I am just glad that resting in his goodness is actually an option. Thanks for commenting.
Thanks for thinking these things through and being willing to share. I agree that though i know the resting thing cognitively, I still struggle to actually feel it emotionally. I do believe that the angst comes from such a dogmatic upbringing. so many things were good about growing up that way, but it turns out that i can't navigate life with the dogma. Thankfully, I'm not asked to. I'm asked to love.
I also think that some of the angst comes from feeling dissonance when i'm with people who are engaged in dogmatic thinking and assume that since i was raised a certain way, I am too. It's hard to be honest sometimes about how i see things.
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