My Kingdom for a Fig Leaf

As I have reflected about the past few years and on the adventure that I am on with the MST Project, I keep coming back to the topic of vulnerability.  We have all experienced on some level, the freedom of confession but as I think about it, I’m left with some questions.  Why is the process of baring our souls, so freeing?  I think the reason for this, is that we were created to be known completely by God.  When we choose to be vulnerable, we are somehow closer to who God created us to be and we feel that.  God didn't create us to hide.  We weren't supposed to have anything to hide.  What somehow doesn't make sense to me is, if I feel more like God intended me to be when I drop my guard, why do I always have the inclination to hide.  Without a doubt, every single time that I need to let someone in, even if I actually follow through and do let them in, it follows a life and death struggle to keep my secrets secret.  I think this comes down to a couple things.  Pride and fear.  In the times that I have hidden rather than shared, it usually came down to one of two reasons.  Either I didn't want to admit that I was not feeling as strong as I needed to be, and that I should not be struggling with these things anymore, or I didn't want to admit that I failed.  I was afraid of what others might think, even as they literally begged me to let them in and never once judged me when eventually my secrets came to light. The irony is, all my efforts at hiding are about as effective as when Adam and Eve hid behind those fig leaves.    When God created them naked both physically and spiritually, they were as close to God as any humans have ever been.  Then they sinned and their way of dealing with their spiritual failure was to make some clothes out of leaves and hide.  Who exactly did they think they were hiding from?  As if God couldn't see them just as well hiding in the bushes, hoping their fig leaves didn't wilt, as when they walked freely and openly with God in Eden.  It’s easy to sit here and write judgmentally about how ignorant they were for thinking this way but the uncomfortable truth is, that I would give anything to be able to hide.  I put on my mask and build up my walls that I hide behind and feel somehow more secure in my separation from God than I do in his presence.  I have to fight against that all the time.  What I have to do, as difficult as it is, is to force myself to stand spiritually and emotionally naked before God as he created me to be and to realize that being close to God is counter to every fleshly instinct I have in my being.  My comfort or lack of comfort is directly tied to how much I willingly allow God to be a part of my life.  It really has nothing to do with what I allow God to see of my life.  Nothing is hidden from him.  In Psalm 139:7-12 it says;

 7

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,"

12 even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

Here is the application for me.  I need to be vulnerable and in the spirit of vulnerability, I am going to blog my way through the HOPE campaign material.  I am going to write my story through the eyes of the HOPE campaign, an entry for each chapter.  

Before I do this project, I need to say publicly how thankful I am for my wife.  She didn’t really know the extent of the details that she was signing up for when she married me and many of the experiences that I am going to share are things that I wish with all my heart, she had not had to deal with.  She has dealt with my sin, my shame, my deceit, my lack of discipline, and overall bad behavior with an amazing amount of grace and forgiveness.  The same can be said about many of my friends who while not to the extent of my wife, have graciously forgiven lies, lust, avoidance, and betrayal and I’m thankful for their example which has been huge in my journey.  I hope that this project is helpful or at the very least insightful into the mind of someone who wants with all his heart to want to be closer to God.